Turning Silver to Gold
Usually, I focus here on practical steps I take to improve my health as quickly and efficiently as
possible, so I can get on with living my best life once I am recovered. But sometimes, healthy tips,
tricks, and positive thinking just aren’t enough to snap me out of a flare. So today, instead of writing about what I’m doing to get out of my most recent flare, I am focusing more about my state of being: to enjoy making the most out of my life now.
On bad days, I try to escape my circumstances and do everything I can to ignore how lousy I feel.
That means daydreams about performing gorgeous piano pieces, Netflix marathons, and an occasional rebellious session on the piano as I play sloppy pieces for which I have no energy
(not recommended).
Of course, there’s a time and season for everything, and a favorite TV show or audiobook that’s
lighthearted and not too mentally demanding can be very therapeutic. And when I first became ill, as every aspect of my life was changing, I needed a big distraction until I could start really processing
what was going on. During that time, Star Trek: Voyager was my best friend.
However, the very things that can distract us from pain and unpleasant circumstances, can also
become crutches that distract us from using these circumstances to develop our relationship with God.Sometimes the healthiest thing we can do, physically and spiritually, is take our heads out of the sand and allow ourselves to experience difficulties. The past four weeks, I have endured my toughest flare of the year. As soon as I finished my last week of spring performances as a part-time pianist, I experienced a huge increase in pain, fatigue, depression, and irritability.
I tried attacking the problem with self-care and nutrition. When that didn’t instantly solve it, I attempted to ignore my symptoms and distract myself with Netflix. But here I am, still sick, and I’m tired of going back and forth, fighting and then ignoring my symptoms.
Perhaps that’s the point. Instead of jumping to the “pain=bad” default and using precious energy
trying to “fight” the way I feel, I need to remember that God has allowed these circumstances. When I realize I can’t fix them and I choose not to run away, He shows up, and our quality time is
profoundly deeper than I would have experienced if I had everything under control. God uses difficulty as a means to transform my relationship with Him into something more real and tangible than I could have imagined. I have experienced it before, but how quick I am to forget! Now I am praying for the courage to allow myself to feel the
pain, both the physical pain and the feelings of loss and frustration from being sidelined for an indefinite amount of weeks.
I am taking care of myself, sticking to this candida cleanse, and looking forward to when I have more energy, but I am no longer anxiously trying to rush out of
this flare as quickly as humanly possible. Rather, I want to cultivate courage, patience, and
communication with God. My goal now is to grasp the silver lining right in front of me.
Because I know God can turn it into gold.
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