Update: Career and Coping

I can't sleep, not because of the physical pain of CFS/SEID, but because of the emotional turmoil I've experienced lately regarding the direction of my life. That sounds melodramatic. Actually, everything seems like a big deal right now. Basically, I'm exhausted and my nerves are fried after I poured myself into leading music camp last week, so I've been depressed/anxious this week, constantly on the verge of tears and irritable with my family. As a parent of a moody camper described it last week, I'm in a "special mood." But life goes on no matter how big a temper tantrum I throw.

This week, I've had to face the reality of what the next few months will probably need to look like. I had considered attempting a more rigorous part-time piano performance schedule this year; it looked like I might have options and could find some more consistent work easily, which is awesome for a performing artist.

During my good weeks, I think I do feel healthy enough to branch out a little and take on more work. Other weeks, I think, Oh thank God I don't have a consistent performance job or any real job right now; I'd DIE. I don't think the good weeks outweigh the bad weeks on a consistent-enough basis for me to be comfortable taking on extra work. I gave up this kind of performance-based work when I first became ill so I could prioritize my health. My health is a little better for sure, but it's still lousy by healthy people's standards. I don't think I should return to work until I've fixed the problem well enough to set myself up for long-term health and success.

So, I've decided to do the wise, CFS textbook thing: I'm not pursuing the exhausting flashy dream job, but I am hoping to modestly expand my income to help pay for doctor bills: teaching and tutoring part-time, from my home, one-on-one. I'll continue to work for myself and set my own schedule with built-in rest breaks, I won't have to travel, and I won't have to deal with the exhaustion of sensory overload that would come with teaching a group.

But I don't like it. I know that if I want to be happy, I need to accept what is best for me now. What is best for me now is to content myself with part-time teaching and playing for church and the occasional wedding, while focusing on maintaining my healthy diet and lifestyle and keeping on top of doctor's appointments and medical research. But I'm so bored. And something extremely vital is missing: I feel as if I'm wired to express myself through performance. And almost as strong as my thirst for artistic expression is my thirst for leadership, for making my mark on the world. I feel like my talent, which I fiercely cultivated my whole life, is withering away as I spend my time at home pretending that watching superhero cartoons is a full-time job.

So I blog and journal and write gratitude lists and read affirmations and get some sunlight and draw in my coloring book. I'm still bored. It all seems pointless. I won't stop doing these things; I must do the best I can, and I'd never give up just because I'm frustrated. But I am indescribably sick of the mundane. My fatigued brain is dying of boredom. I need a challenge, but I'm not up to one.

I want to get back on the piano and pour myself into an intense creative project. But inspiration, talent, and even the most intense desire don't cure CFS.....I learned the hard way. I am very discouraged and tired of it all, but if I want to maintain my sanity and enjoy life at all, I must try to calm my ambitious mind, not dwell on grand ideas, and accept the mundane for now......if possible.

Upcoming blog posts:

-preparing for an allergen-free, CFS-friendly vacation (next week! :D)

-functional medicine appt recap and blood test results (Aug 15th)

-reintroducing rice and eggs late August after my Paleo without eggs/nightshades elimination diet (I've been on it for over 4 weeks now)